Eight Things I Wish I’d Known in My Twenties Before I Blow My Life Savings on an Alpaca Farm – The New Yorker
Wouldn’t it be great to go back in time and give your little one a little advice? For example, if I could go back to my twenties, I would tell myself to travel more, to always be in the moment, and, most important, to No To empty my savings account to start Alpaca Farms just because I read an article that said “Alpaca wool is the future of the clothing industry.” Trust me – it isn’t.
To help you avoid these kinds of mistakes, here are some other things I wish I knew in my twenties.
It is better to have a few close friends than a lot of acquaintances.
Unlike alpacas, which are devious and fickle creatures, loyal friends will tell you when you’re making a big mistake, like thinking you can pull off a fedora or quit your high-paying job as a corporate lawyer. You can order a can and half a dozen alpaca from Peru for fifteen thousand dollars a pop, even if you don’t know the first thing about livestock rearing.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
So your coworker was rude to you or someone cut you off in traffic. Big hoop! At least you didn’t trade in your waterfront condo for a dilapidated old farmhouse and enough land for a small herd of South American camel mammals to roam freely. now he is Something worth sweating. (Fun fact: did you know that alpacas don’t sweat? They excrete bodily fluids by spitting at high speed. And they also lavish a lot on the person responsible for keeping it alive.)
drink more water.
It is recommended that you drink three to four liters of water per day. Seems like a lot? That’s nothing compared to the twenty liters of fresh water that alpacas require, which I found out the hard way when two of my hot summer days collapsed from dehydration and prompted me to consult an exotic-animal specialist for three thousand. dollars had to be paid.
Take better care of your teeth.
No one wants to spend hours in the dentist’s chair! Interestingly, like humans, alpacas have thirty-two teeth, with two pairs of specialized fangs, known as their “fighting teeth”, which are more than capable of cleaving a single finger. If you are, say, try giving an alpaca his very expensive ulcer medicine. Guess who has one and a half thumbs and he doesn’t know. this fucking man!
Don’t worry about what other people think.
Who cares what your friends from college think of you now? As if their life was any better! So your old roommate Kyle signed a three-book deal with Simon & Schuster, and your friend Mike started his own sports-marketing agency, which is now worth a couple hundred million dollars. Mike asked you to be a partner in the company, but you turned him down saying, “Thanks, but by 2030 everyone will be wearing alpaca fur, and I’m not sure I’m going to see this whole sport-marketing going anywhere.” ” In a way, aren’t we shedding fifty pounds of alpaca crap every day, with some of us literally more than others?
Invest in bitcoin.
Hell, I could have started my own cryptocurrency by now—the altcoin, or some crap.
It is never too late for a career change.
In your twenties, you are still young! There is plenty of time to try something new. Unless, of course, you have six stupid long-necked llama wannabes to feed and care for, and even the local petting zoo can hand them over to you for a fraction of what you paid for them. Not ready to accept. So now your only hope to recoup some of the money you’ve sipped in them for years is to slaughter them and sell their sinful, almost impossible-to-chew flesh. Except you can’t bring yourself to do it, because in some sick, twisted way you’ve grown to really love them as if they were your own children, which they might as well be. , because you will never be able to start a family at this rate, unless you can find some sort of alpaca fetishist who is willing to settle down with a guy who is constantly covered in white fur and rakes of manure Happened, no matter how hard he tries in the shower.
Do not start an alpaca farm.
seriously. Don’t waste the prime years of your life caring for these curly-haired, wicked camels. I
